I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
