Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
