..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Life is so much better after having sex.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
