i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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