What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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