Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
