I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
