i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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