I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
