Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
