My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
