soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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