peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
