I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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