I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it was like eating out sand paper
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
