dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
did i walk over a car last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
