I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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