It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
