I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
