So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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