chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
