just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
