What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
