Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
