Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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