I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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