He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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