Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
