oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
