if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
