...so i touched it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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