Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
