I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
