i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize