The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
