i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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