I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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