Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
