Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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