her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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