i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
