I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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