I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
