you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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