i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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