he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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