i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
