So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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