Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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