If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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