matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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