After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
