She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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