In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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