Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
