I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
