She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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