BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
