dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
