he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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