The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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