every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
