I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
