Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize