Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
