No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
