xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
