ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
