when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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