So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
