hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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